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Miserable Tides: Forgive My Absence Please

You ever have one of those days? You know…the kind that flips your world upside down and promises to be a living nightmare from which you cannot wake?

Yeah well, that’s was our family’s living hell just a few short months ago. And it doesn’t matter what the event was that triggered it; only that it happened and that it set off a ripple effect …that has for some reason,  left me unable to ‘just-get-over-it’.

When your world is shaken, and your trust in the human condition, completely shattered in the blink of eye….it’s hard to break free. Maybe because I was there. Maybe because I saw it happening but my legs refused to run fast enough. I swear they were so heavy in that moment. How odd?!  Maybe if I had reacted quicker. Maybe if I had processed the information shooting through my brain at 90 mph…just a split second sooner. Maybe if I wasn’t in a fog due to lack of sleep. So many ‘what-ifs’ .

But then my head flips to ‘what if I had not been there at all???’ That would have been worse. What if I had ignored the text message? I almost did….almost.

When you almost lose someone you love to the moon and back….someone you would do anything for….someone you would give your life for….it changes you. When you almost lose them because of an act of violence…it’s even worse.

Although I imagine, completely losing them, would be an endless cycle of pain. And my heart goes out to those who have suffered such an unimaginable loss.

I haven’t taken the time to write in several months. And for what has I am sure become clear by now…to you my lovely followers… I’m currently stuck in a slight rut. I have so enjoyed bringing to you interior design trends, recipes, funny stories and my usual political rants. And I’m purposely neglecting my site right now…but for a reason.

It’s writing that grounds me. But it has to be honest. It has to be pure. I don’t know how to explain this, but if you write, you will know what I mean…..

In order for words to flow, they must emerge from your center of gravity. Your center of gravity is where your ‘truths’ lie..(no pun intended). If you are unable to say what needs to be said…if it’s just not possible….you simply cannot write. I  don’t know how else to word it.

So what am I doing about it? Well…this is going to sound a little …odd. First off, let me start by saying I’m not slamming mental health professionals. I just have no desire to pay someone a few hundred bucks a session to ask me questions, which they will then re-phrase and repeat back to me….and then ask me what the solution is.

And quite frankly, I’m too angry to deal with all that bs right now.

So I went a different route. I got a job in a factory! Yep.

Hear my out. It is actually working. 

First of all…I like it there. The people are nice, the bosses are professional (not the psycho raging types…you know the type) and I genuinely like the industry. It’s actually a factory that is right up my alley and pertains to a subject I have an actual interest in.

Secondly…it is actually working (repetition has that effect…see what I did there?)

Essentially….I don’t have time to freak out, feel angry, hate the planet or feel guilty, when  my brain is hyper-involved in another task.  And while one might interpret this course of action as denial or simply not facing up to the problem at hand, I feel that at this moment….I need this.

They say there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance…unfortunately….I think I’m stuck on anger. I’ve been raging for months.

I’m not in denial…I’m actually just so angry that I HAVE to stay busy….nor am I depressed. And acceptance will never happen. To accept is to say…’yeah…it’s ok now’. BULL! It’s not ok. It will never be ok. At no point in time will I ever say that this event was ‘ok‘ or ‘alrighty then‘.

 

See what I mean? I almost lost my ‘chill’ for a second there. Forgive me.

Enough of my blathering I suppose. I just felt it was important to let you …my wonderful readers know…I have not disappeared nor I have forgotten you. I just need to find my footing. I lost it at the intersection of  ‘WTF Road’ and ‘Pissed Off Avenue’. And as soon I feel like decorating with lovely silken curtains, rather then ripping them to shreds….I’ll be back on the interior design, recipe making, tips and tricks ….but mostly, just talking to you guys again. I miss writing. I miss doing product reviews, believe it or not. But mostly I miss this. Pouring out my gut onto a blank sheet of paper (ok…a computer screen…but it’s 2017, so cut me some slack 😉 )

I just don’t want to screw around, slip up and cuss out the planet right now. Know what I mean?

 

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2 thoughts on “Miserable Tides: Forgive My Absence Please”

  1. I, for one, have missed your comments. Glad you’re back (if only for a short time). Do what you have to do to heal.

  2. I’m getting there. Slowly. Maybe. I don’t know. The rage is just insane. I really can’t explain it. I want it to go away. But then something small may trigger it. I’m trying to fix it. My whole life I’ve been able to eventually turn the tides on my own. But this one has me stumped. It’s like a slow motion video stuck in my head. Little things do it. Like the metal detector at work….how will that work for someone with metal in their body…permanently? Then the cycle repeats. It’s little reminders. They’re everywhere! Literally everywhere. And I find myself getting angry about something trivial. It could be anything or nothing at all. The worst part is…I know I’m doing it and that I’m the one in the wrong when I flipping out over something ridiculous, but in that moment…I just don’t care. It’s not that I can’t empathize with whomever it is in that moment. It’s almost the opposite. Too much empathy and then I get ticked off again. Oh well. At least we’re out of the woods and functioning. And I’ve got a new hobby. I’m officially addicted to the SIMS. I could totally psychoanalyze that…lolz. Living the SIM life as a way to be in control of little computer generated people during a time when I feel I have zero control of my own emotions?….hmmm…..should have continued those psych classes in college. I only did psych 101. And clearly….it had no effect on me, as is evident by my occasional outbursts on whatever the politics of the day may be. LOL

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